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Gnarp UniversityOuter Orbit, Third Ring · Est. Third Age of Tuna

History

Three ages, 22 events, and one very old witness.

What is the history of Gnarp University?

Short answer: The University’s history spans three ages, the Age of Milk, the Age of Sardine and the present Age of Tuna, and 22 recorded events, from the First Nap to the launch of the website. Every one was witnessed by the Historian.

A note from the Historian

I have been asked to introduce this section. I have been in the University’s history for as long as it has had one, and rather longer, and I am pleased to record what I have seen. Some of it is not recorded elsewhere. Some of it is not recorded here, and I would ask you not to enquire.

Each event below has its own page, and each page is longer than you might expect. You will find the background, an account of what happened, the account I gave at the time, the accounts of others, the aftermath, the objects that survive, the points in dispute and the questions I have been asked. You will not find the date of the Incident.

SIGILLUM HISTORICISEMPER SPECTOHistorian Nimbus, called the Ever-Watchful. See the Historian’s profile and the seals of the University.

The First Age of MilkThe Second Age of SardineThe Third Age of TunaThe First Nap1The Discovery of the Sunbeam2The Invention of the Box3The Arrival of the Staff4The Invention of the Can Opener5The First Doorway6The Great Sardine Distribution7The First Lap8The First Study Group9The Appointment of the Historian10The Founding of the University11The First Midnight Convocation12The Great Yowl13The Great Box Shortage14The Founding of the Library15The Discovery of the Eastern Patch16The First Saucer Landing17The Doorway Accords18The Incident19The Opening of the Kitchen Counter Observatory20The First Table Edge Symposium21The Launch of the Website22Not to scale. The Historian declines to provide a scale.

Explore the records

Index of events

22 events, in the order the Historian remembers them.

The First Age of Milk

The time before the records. Little is known about it, except that it was warm, and that there was milk. Read about the age.

  1. The First Nap, Before the records began. The earliest event of all, and, at the time, the longest.
  2. The Discovery of the Sunbeam, Soon after the first nap. The first recorded observation of a warm rectangle of light on the floor.
  3. The Invention of the Box, Some time after the sunbeam. No one knows who made the first box, but everyone knows who sat in it first.

The Second Age of Sardine

The age of shared meals, the first doorways and the first study groups. Read about the age.

  1. The Arrival of the Staff, The early Second Age. The first humans were engaged to open doors and cans.
  2. The Invention of the Can Opener, The middle of the Second Age. A staff member invented a device that opened cans, and became, for a time, the most important person in the University.
  3. The First Doorway, The middle of the Second Age. Doorways were invented, and cats immediately stood in them.
  4. The Great Sardine Distribution, Late in the Second Age. The first recorded occasion on which a meal was served late.
  5. The First Lap, The late Second Age. A staff member sat down, and a cat sat on her, and the University changed for ever.
  6. The First Study Group, The end of the Second Age. Three cats met in a warm place to discuss what they knew.

The Third Age of Tuna

The present age: the University, its traditions, and everything that has happened since. Read about the age.

  1. The Appointment of the Historian, Unrecorded. No record exists of the appointment, because the Historian has always been the Historian.
  2. The Founding of the University, About 2.3 million years ago. Chancellor Pouncival the First founded the University in the shade of a large box. Enrolment was one.
  3. The First Midnight Convocation, Shortly after the founding. The first ceremony was held at 03:00, and it has been held then ever since.
  4. The Great Yowl, About 2.1 million years ago. A concert in the Great Hallway lasted for nine hours and produced the first known example of harmony.
  5. The Great Box Shortage, About 1.9 million years ago. A shortage of boxes led to the first Box Amnesty Week.
  6. The Founding of the Library, About 1.5 million years ago. A collection of books was assembled, and the third floor was immediately closed to objects.
  7. The Discovery of the Eastern Patch, About 1.2 million years ago. Madame Lux Solari discovered the patch that arrives at 07:42 on Tuesdays, and founded Solar Patch Sciences.
  8. The First Saucer Landing, About 900,000 years ago. A visiting party arrived by saucer, and the University built a landing bay in the hope that it would return.
  9. The Doorway Accords, About 600,000 years ago. Fourteen attempts to enter or leave the Main Hall ended in an agreement.
  10. The Incident, Date withheld. The University does not discuss the Incident.
  11. The Opening of the Kitchen Counter Observatory, Some time after the Incident. The School of Applied Gravity opened its Observatory, and conducted its first experiment.
  12. The First Table Edge Symposium, About 10,000 years ago. The first symposium on gravity was held, and concluded that it was working.
  13. The Launch of the Website, 2026. The University launched its website, and the Historian was, as ever, present.

Ask the Historian

Questions may be sent to staff@gnarp.eu.cc. The Historian may already know the answer. Please note that he will not answer questions about the Incident, though he will watch you while you ask.